A couple weeks ago, we (the System of Gardens & Flowers) were sitting on our bed, in the morning, contemplating amongst ourselves whether life was worth living. We weren’t suicidal, more so trying to cope with our depression. 

It’s a common issue for us. 

I feel like I should say « of course ». 

Depression and immense trauma definitely brings the question to the surface often.

At first, the general impression was that it wasn’t, or more precisely, that the weight of the « bad things » outweigh the good that could ever happen. It felt like no matter what, nothing will ever be enough. That felt daunting and extremely difficult. Nothing will ever outweigh the bad stuff that happened to us or the pain we felt and feel on a daily basis. No amount of love, safety and kindness will ever be enough. Even the most amazing experience would still leave us dissatisfied. It made us angry and bitter. 

Then another part (Storm) came in with a thought that I (Emily) want to share with you all.

Storm said : 

« What if that’s not how life works? What if there is no scale? If you flip it, hear me out: it’s not because good things happen to a person that they should suddenly have bad things happen. The other way around doesn’t happen either. 

So then, I said to her: « But it’s unfair. It’s so unfair. »

Storm replied: 

« Here’s the thing: your emotions and thoughts matter. What I am saying should not invalidate your experience at all. If that is not where you’re at and you do not agree with me, that’s entirely acceptable too. I would never force this on you. That’s just where I’m at myself.

I have found that understanding life this way has shifted my experience and understanding from a place of entitlement to a place of welcoming. I welcome the day I am about to live, I wake up with plans for my day, I enjoy my breakfast, I enjoy getting dressed, I enjoy making art. I am not trying to make it « perfect », or amazing. The past happened and now the life I am living is the life I am living. I try to make it something I enjoy living but I don’t define what I choose to do according to what the past was. 

I found thinking that I « should have a good life now » is a bit of a trap. It puts a lot of pressure for me and others to have or give me a good life. When bad things happen still, bitterness sets in and I am angry at everyone for failing me. Anything that is « in addition » to the previous trauma feels like someone is out to get me or failing me, and I am not getting what I deserve. 

Except you never deserved to have bad things happen to you – and weirdly enough you’re not really entitled to have good things happen either. It’s amazing if it happens, but it’s not necessarily what will happen. Life doesn’t work that way. 

Letting go of this train of thought freed me from weighing the odds. I don’t need to make it incredible and when it is not great, it is ok. It allows me to free my current life and experience from my past trauma. I don’t compare. If anything, I see the contrast, I experience the difference between now and then, and I keep going.

I (Emily) was a bit stumped and tried to let myself think (and not be caught in my bitterness):

 « But then – what about all those horrible things that happened to us? There were all for nothing? What is the point? »

She didn’t reply, while I let my emotions shift to listen to what she was really saying. After a long silence, she said: « What do you think? »

I paused, sat with my legs crossed while feeling the floating sensation we get when talking together. I made a frowning face.

« I think, maybe, it is all an experience. Life is quite simply about being alive (however that looks like) and what we went through is something that can happen. It’s part of life. And we experimented it. Now, we are experiencing life still, because we are still alive. 

That is not to say these experiences weren’t extremely difficult, caused us trauma and definitely 100% would not recommend it to anyone.

But these things do happen. 

And in our life span, we experienced them. »

« It sounds a lot like radical acceptance. Considering things for what they are, admitting that they do happen and we went through them. How do you feel now? »

« It feels like taking back the power on my mind and on my present. I can feel a shift in how I consider my fear for example. It used to define me, I had felt monstruous fear and so I thought « people have to be extremely careful around me. » If I shift this to an experience I felt, I don’t need people to change their behavior around me. They can just be themselves and I can stay centered around me. I can request less from others and life. » 

We both contemplated how things were changing inside, our heart radiating towards each other in appreciation of our shared experience.

« This is a possible life experience » is a phrase that has accompanied us ever since.