TW for programm*ng, r*pe, SI

Yesterday I was discussing with others inside one of the events which for a long time I thought most hurt me as a young adult. Freshly arrived in Paris, I had made friends with a German student who ended up becoming my friend with benefits for many months, during which he raped me at least once. That rape derailed my thinking for many years to come. 

Up until I started therapy 6 years ago, it was constantly on my mind. I would think about it a lot. It permeated all of my conversations with my friends, my boyfriend, it kept coming back like a song that would not end. I really thought it was the trauma. I just couldn’t stop thinking about. I even wrote a book about it… 100 pages around that one rape. Queue the absurdity of now knowing that it happened to me hundreds of times for many many years… 

Right before I started therapy, I had a brief period where my life changed for the better. I was happier and during that time, I read books by rape survivors to try and sort out that one event. 

This topic was such a central one to my life that when I first wrote to my therapist, even though that was not why I was pushed to go to therapy, it was the subject matter of my very first message. It went something like this: « I was raped (add details). I think I’m mostly over it but I don’t know. Maybe not. » 

As an alter writing this post, my identity was construed around that event and my hatred for this boy-man who had dared to force himself on me. I am a proud lesbian and my pride and strength are known throughout the system. I told myself he was evil and couldn’t believe a friend could do that to another friend. I was so mad at him. 

So back to yesterday. Because yesterday, I fell off my chair.

As I was discussing recent developments coming from our latest deprogramming crisis, one of the alters in my head said: « oh yeah, they created a loop ». A what? « A loop, something you would never stop thinking about, something to focus your mind on ».

I write this and feel the absolute shockwave of knowing they did this. A loop. They created a loop. Sure… All of a sudden, my entire thinking pattern made more sense but also they had orchestrated my hell. Why I couldn’t stop, why out of all the rapes, this one stuck with me, why it was impossible to talk about something else… and why after about one month of therapy, I completely stopped talking about it. I got mad once, and that was it. I’ve since spoken about it less than ten times in over 6 years. I see it now. Back when I was in my first month of therapy, I got so angry and powerful, I unknowingly broke the loop (this was confirmed by my alters).

More info from the same part: They did this to focus your mind and energy on one event they couldn’t erase, so it wouldn’t trigger other memories or make you go to therapy or get support. 

Of course they did. 

Because fucking with my mind, at this point, was just that easy. The worst thing is, it worked wonders. I feel so humiliated and angry. Humiliangry. 

These past eight months, I have been shocked and humiliated and angry in the exact same way more times than I can count. I have found programs that regulate basically all of my life. My romantic relationships (throughout the years, chosen partners, breakups, sexual orientation), my healthcare, my grief, my living situation, my education, my career choices, my sexual habits, my desire to have children… 

Every time I think something is mine, I find some program that shaped my personality, my attitude, my actions, my story and my thoughts towards my experiences. I don’t know how to explain it better than this:

People have different modes in different circumstances. At work for example you have a work mode. Except my work mode wasn’t built and chosen by me. My work mode (and job and career) was shaped by my programmers like a little cabin I could operate from. I can’t escape the cabin. I can’t get out of it either. I am operating from the idea that I am outside and free while in the cabin. I can only see from where they have made holes for my eyes. If I turn around it looks normal. But I am in the cabin nonetheless, influenced heavily by those shaping it with beliefs, understandings, memory distortion, and triggered actions that were all installed through programming. 

I wish I had the normal person problem / experience of having negative beliefs about myself that actually come from me. Working on myself would be something I could do. This on the other hand, is a soul crushing, mind blowing, non stop questioning of my self talk and story telling. Nothing is as it seems. Not one of my stories made it out without a scratch. Those stories shape my life. They shape my identity. They shape who I am. And it’s all wrong. It’s mind blowing. It’s infuriating. It’s a nightmare. 

So yes I am deprogramming. I am. I feel lucky that I can. But also if I make it out alive, it will not be without a serious blow to my character. Because the humiliation makes me feel like my whole life is a joke (which it is to them, they couldn’t care less) and my ego, as strong as it is, is constantly bruised by the endless pressure of their abuse. I am deprogramming, it’s happening, but listening to people talk about me like I’m a science project and a pawn makes me feel suicidal and vengeful. I am deprogramming yes. But I want to say to them constantly « why didn’t you let me die… ». 

If they let me live, it was only because they could control me. Today, if I die by their hand, you’ll know it’s because they can’t anymore.

Until then, you’ll find me in therapy and screaming into pillows.