Our previous blog post entitled Healing Collectively as an alternative to reparenting yourself in the context of DID went somewhat in details about our thoughts regarding the concept of reparenting ourselves. However, we found re-reading it that it didn’t clarify as much as we thought our rejecting of the concept of “reparenting”.

The concept of parenting is loaded for us and “reparenting” feels wrong. 

When we first started therapy, it became very (very) quickly apparent that our parents had not been emotionally present for us. The more time goes on, the more we feel like we filled in for heavy emptiness in their hearts, rather than being created and  considered as a human being in full. 

Very early on, our therapist put forward the concept that we could be our own parent and thus reclaim that role for ourselves. 

At first, it sounded like a great plan. It meant making our own decisions and choosing to be responsible for ourselves. It was a good opportunity to correct their mistakes and hug ourselves through our emotions. 

But it also meant that once again, we were taking on a role we had had our whole life: being our own parent. During our entire life, we had to be there for ourselves emotionally. No one else was there. We had to be the “grown up” at the age of 2 years old, and basically every age up from that point. By the time we were teens, we hated our parents for being their arrogant and obnoxious selves. Deep down we knew they weren’t even close to the supportive adult they claimed to be. We consistently felt more mature than them, especially where we would have needed their help and received none. We loved them and we were deeply afraid of our hatred, judgment and overall furor against them. 

So when we were told that we could be our own parents, the feelings we had against our parents came rushing back. Except we weren’t ready for all of it at all. Especially considering we are a system. Every single part of us could talk at length about our parents, the experiences they had with our parents, the concept of parenting, the emotions they had about being parented, what it means to be a mom in the grand scheme of things, how their experiences of abuse affected their relationship with our parents etc. Add the messiness of programming to that and you have a recipe for disaster.

It didn’t help that one of our parts was pushed forward as « Mom » and the conversation was centered around her ideas and care instead of being a system wide discussion. 

Nevertheless we moved with this concept, which we hear used time and again. We thought it was the way towards being an adult. 

We named that part Mom and so because she became Mom, a lot of our emotional baggage towards our real moment became her problem. That was not a great move as we transferred onto her all the feelings we had about our parents… and it didn’t help. Her own shortcomings also became a « mom » problem, which just felt like evidence that having a mom sucked. 

She was also constantly compared to our mom and dad, which didn’t help us move outside of that paradigm. 

In addition, being a mom came with being a woman. How can I also be my « dad »? Or is he an absentee in the equation (again)?

It also made us incredibly lonely to think of healing as reparenting ourselves. Not only because all of a sudden, it kind of separated us from our siblings and family (each one of us was now our own parent inside ourselves, it felt like), but also because it put the weight of our healing on our shoulders. It felt kind of wrong to ask for help because « mom could do it » (as in we could do it). If « mom » can take it on, if we can take it on, it just felt silly to even go to therapy. Can’t I do it all? And here I remind myself that as the wonderful and incredible psychologist Dr. Becky at Good inside says, parenting is something you learn. 

But am I really learning to be a parent? As a woman who has never had children? Why am I being told to claim that role but feel distant from real actual moms? It’s a label that means something else to millions of people. I’m not a real mom… There is no « child » for me to parent. There is no « other ». There is no one outside of me who is growing into an adult who I am responsible for. I’m already a grown adult…

In a world where the inner child is a concept, I wonder how people do it. I guess their imagination helps. In the context of DID, littles aren’t my children. They’re someone else’s child, they were their responsibility. I don’t want to take on that responsibility. It belongs to my parents. I am not the parent I have always wanted to have. I cannot take on that role which belonged to someone else. I cannot distort reality like that just because it feels reassuring. It feels like being given the wrong medication for my ailment. I don’t want to adopt myself from the past and my littles don’t want to be adopted by me (by my therapist, maybe, but not by me). I also don’t want to be my babysitter.

The truth is, the bond I have with my parts as I heal is much stronger, much more beautiful and much deeper than a parent could ever have with their child. I’m not going anywhere. I will live with them and die with them. I can be as enmeshed with them as I want. I enter their dreams. I taste their food. I have the same body and we age together. I can feel them inside of me and they can feel me inside of them. That is not what a parent is. In fact, if my parents failed me, it is because their enmeshment with me was so strong that they saw me as an extension of themselves. My littles are an extension of me, and I am an extension of them. My parents are NOT an extension of me. 

So we have wholeheartedly rejected the concept. We’ve replaced it with being a trusted adult, or a responsible adult.

We (as trusted and responsible adults) try to help our teens navigate what it means to be teens. We try to help our littles figure things out. We care for each other and are compassionate towards each other the best we can. We also have countless adults who are struggling and healing from extreme circumstances. But not one of us is the parent of the other. It’s simply not true. 

All of us together try to make it the best life we can possibly have. Anyone can veto a decision. Anyone can discuss situations. If someone senses danger, they can tell the others. For topics that are especially connected with being an adult (money, going on holidays, working, health etc.), we do our best to remain responsible and trustworthy. We welcome questions and support growth. We consider it our responsibility to protect ourselves and choose what our adult life looks like (insofar as it is about being an adult and not being a system). It is after all, our time to shine (when we can, however we manage). One thing is for sure, we are not and will never be our own parents. And in fact, it’s so much better that way.