A poem to my parts battling with their feelings and sensations while undergoing abuse

« In the darkest of darkness, any light is a light and I am grateful you had that light to help you through and survive. I’d rather you held onto that light than being dead right now. » (quote from C., one of our primary caregiver parts)

In the darkest of darkness, when horrible things happen, when it seems all hope is lost, when the world is shattered, when identity is pulled apart, when it becomes impossible to think, when your brain is under attack…

…any light is a light. Even if the light you held onto inside your heart came from what feels shameful, dirty, horrible, evil, mean, terrible. Even if it feels wrong. Even if it makes it seem like it’s your fault. Even if it gives you guilt to have felt that way. (It wasn’t your fault.)

…I am grateful that light helped. It helped you survive. Death wouldn’t have been better, I’m grateful you’re here. If not for you, I wouldn’t be here. It’s the little things and sometimes, the little things come from a shattered mirror picking up on the only distorted light that existed in that moment. 

The light feels all wrong – but I am eternally grateful your heart picked up on it. Back then, in the darkest of darkness, there were few to none outside of that one. There was so little to keep the flame in your heart going and I thank your heart for it helped you stay. So as your heart held onto anything to save you and make it through another day, it allowed for all of us to be here today. 

No one survives the darkest of darkness without finding some light to hold onto. We are grateful for you to have survived. We are grateful for the littlest moments of relief. They do not make it your fault. They do not make you a willing victim or participant. 

Any light is light when the darkness is pitch black.