Tw for su*cidal ideat*on

Last night, we cried about the “new stuff”. It was the first time we achieved this in months (emphasis on achievement). The despair was real, but so hard to get to, like a mirage I desperately tried to avoid and reach at the same time. The fear of floodgates. I don’t know that it opened them. I don’t know that we lost our shit. I don’t feel like we did. We cried, heavily suicidal, our boyfriend stroking our back and then we stopped crying, and we forced ourselves to go to sleep. We unwillingly but decidedly let the darkness and heaviness of our body help us disappear our thoughts. We wanted to die so bad and yet we didn’t. I want to document that. 

Despair today feels like being torn between wanting someone to take care of me and desperately running away from the people who do help. 

Despair today is feeling like I am too much while wanting to argue with anyone who’d think so, with desperate tears of rage and a pleading broken voice. 

Despair today feels like having a baby part explain our despair to our boyfriend, babbling her discomfort, hunger and helplessness while he empathizes.

Despair today feels like feeling the ridicule of getting a 6€ coffee at the coffee shop instead of making it at home thinking there are no excuses and we are a piece of shit for spending unnecessary money.

Despair today was also having to get out of our home, judging it with impossible standards, finding everything out of place (us included). 

Despair today is waking up, grabbing our phone first thing, looking desperately for the charging cable, waiting impatiently for that little white apple to appear and with immense disappointment finding out that our mail box doesn’t have a new email. He* didn’t reply to our suicide ideation email from yesterday evening. Where is his head at? My emotions say. Helping other people. My head says. What about me?

Despair today is finding out that we got picked to present at the healing together conference and instead of celebrating, arguing inside that we should probably try to survive till then because otherwise we’re taking someone else’s spot…

Despair today feels like knowing other people feel this much despair too. Thinking of all my friends who are RAMCOA survivors. Thinking about the war survivors. The ones who survived next to a pile of dead bodies. 

Despair today feels like trying to find a picture to paint, a word to say, something to express our pain, and finding ourselves unable to move. 

Despair today is wearing my most despair oriented t-shirt with a big dragon and skull, just to be a walking expression of my pain and lift the weight of my pain, even just a little bit.

Despair is looking at people outside and wonder who else is feeling like me and pretending so bad. 

Soundtrack: When you’re gone – Avril Lavigne

*our therapist