This is a transcript of a discussion between two adult alters in our system. One of them was trying to help the other figure things out.

– What if I gave you unconditional love? Would you take it?

– No. I wouldn’t.

– Why?

– How would I know what to improve? What would I know to change if you give me unconditional love?

– What if there’s nothing to change? 

– There’s always something to change.

– But I love you just the way you are now.

– Then you’re mistaken.

– I don’t think I am. I feel the love inside me. 

– I don’t think it will serve me. I still need to change. I need to improve.

– According to whom?

– My mom. She knows, she knows I have to change, improve, be different. Only then will she eventually love me. You don’t know me like she does.

– That feels daunting. When will you know it is enough? Will she then have unconditional love? Or will there just be another condition (now you filled in one)? Won’t that take all of your life (and hers)? 

– It feels like it will never happen. It feels like she will die before she loves me. 

– Unconditionally. 

– What does that even mean? 

– That I love you as you are, right now. Right now. 

– That feels scary. 

– It does. 

– How will I know what’s wrong with me? 

– Nothing’s wrong with you. You don’t need to change. Not for me or for anyone.

– But my mom, she made me, she would know. She’s bound to know. What is right and wrong with me. [pause] 

– Do you know yourself better than she does? 

– I mean, she made me right?

– What if her opinion is just that, an opinion? Why would she be « more right » than me? 

– That’s easy. She’s my mom! 

– So? She’s my mom too.

– Oh. Why don’t you let her opinion affect you?

– It hurts. I don’t like to listen to people who say things that hurt. 

– But… then what? I give up on her? I stop trying? 

– Trying to do what? 

– Being held by her. Being her(s). Being someone who she’d love.

– Do you think she knows what that looks like? Loving someone unconditionally? 

– No. 

– But that’s what you deserve. 

– I’m not sure I see that but something bothers me. How can you create someone and then be always disappointed? What did she expect was going to happen? Who did she want me to be? Who would have fit the criteria she wanted? And what if I don’t? I never understood. I always tried, so hard. But it felt like trying to reach the highest mountain without gears in a storm. Unreachable and treacherous. How much should I erase of myself? How much can I erase of myself? What about when it comes out anyway? When she gets really angry because I made a faux pas? Is it in my nature, to be a faux pas? Am I just not good enough (for her)?

– Your opinion can differ from hers. You’re not an extension of her. 

– I’m not?

– Not since the day you were born and they cut the cord. Probably not before that either… 

– That doesn’t feel right. But then again, it’s true. Wow. But then… [pause] I can be someone completely different. Right?

– Right.

– Who is she to say what and who I should be? Who is she to say that to me now? I’m an adult! And even as a kid? That’s not what a parent should do, right? But she did do that. I didn’t choose to not be enough for her. I felt it, her conditional love and disapproval. Inside. As a kid. It’s her doing isn’t it? Shit. She’s fucked up. I didn’t realize until right now. Shit. So she’s not right? But then who am I?

– That’s the beauty of it, you can be whoever you want. And you can expect from me unconditional love no matter who you are and who you find yourself to be. 

– Oh. That feels.. I feel curious now. Thanks. And you know what I realize. I realize you won’t control me. Your love I feel now, it feels like a field of flowers I can run on, fly over and crawl in, smelling the wonderful air. That’s what it is, isn’t it? Unconditional love. It’s nice to taste the words. Unconditional love. Are you sure?

– 100% sure.