TW for su*cidal ideat*on

Dear sweet love, 

Why do you always come back for the save? Why do you always come back to me? Why? I wish it were possible for you to leave me alone to rot once and for all. 

But I feel like if you did do that, you’d find a way to make people remember me with love. Ugh. 

Over the past few weeks, I forgot what it was like to feel loved or to love myself. It’s a bit of a dance we play, you and I. I forget you, I am reminded of you, I hate you, I love you, you save me. It’s a messy relationship.

I remember when I didn’t know what love was. I couldn’t feel you. It was a struggle to think anything positive about myself. I thought everyone was out to get me and whatever positive thing they would say or think about me was received with a shadow of doubt and shame. I thought there couldn’t be true love. If I didn’t feel it, how could it be real? But then, I was treated well (by my therapist) and I found out that I could feel love. I could feel love for being treated well. With a lot of effort and healing, I found I could stop doubting the intentions of everyone around me. I also slowly felt deep love for my friends platonically and for my boyfriend romantically. It was a feeling that went beyond the list of reasons I could name for why I liked them. I suddenly didn’t need a list of reasons because I could feel it. 

Loving myself and others came at a huge cost though. Loving myself and basking in the love I received from others came at a cost that I didn’t foresee. Often times, I am extremely angry and exhausted for that cost. 

Because I feel you now, I can’t just let things go. I can’t forget and amnesia won’t let me be. I have to keep healing.

Because I feel love, I have to face my demons. I can’t just let them feel horrible about themselves. I feel love and I have to wrap them with both arms and squeeze tight. 

Because I feel love, I can’t argue that I don’t have it in me to do it. I have love and so I find strength again and again. I have to be there. I have to show up.

That’s what makes me so angry, feeling all this love is debilitating. At the start, it felt Iike it was giving me a gift but in hindsight, it creates an infinite path I just cannot ignore and man, do I want to. Ignoring and avoiding things was a sport I excelled at.

I am mad at you because you appear and suddenly a road of grief and relief gets created in front of me which I can’t unsee. Because you shows up, I have to keep going, I have to stay alive. Why on earth do I have to stay alive when I hurt this much? Why do I keep finding you at every turn?

I am furious at you love. When all hell breaks lose, you just won’t let me go. And I hate it but also I am so thankful for it. I feel enraged by the river of pain and yet I am glad I am able to have a love-boat to carry me through. I am extremely furious about what happened to me but I can’t just say « enough ». I stay because I love my parts and I stay because I love myself and I stay because I don’t want to stop feeling this love. You feel good. But man, do I hate that I have to stay and fight for all this. Sometimes, I just wish you’d give up and let me go. I wish I could stop finding you. 

A few days ago, the others created a bubble of love around me and I fought it out with you for a good hour. But after every punch and punchline, you cared. During every hiss and growl, you stayed. When the pain was blinding, I could still feel you. So fine, I will stay and try again. 

You and I are not finished fighting it out.

I hope you win.  

~ Storm